I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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