I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
