Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
