There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
