cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
