Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Are we still banned from the library?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
