I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize