New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
