he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
