dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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