I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
