I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
