I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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