Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
