I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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