i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
