Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
