I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
