Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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