Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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