Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize