A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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