i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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