Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
