I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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