i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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