Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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