i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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