he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize