Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
