I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
