I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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