I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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