I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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