When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
