I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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