tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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