2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
