Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
