There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
