Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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