His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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