oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
