this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
