These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
