Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
