I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
