Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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