just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
