I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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