i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
smell my finger.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
