I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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