Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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