i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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