i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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