im having a threesome with these popsicles
there was a trapeze. enough said
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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