Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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